I'll Find Myself Today
by Lamina Court
Summary: PreOotP[Done]Lily, Head Girl, just needs a bit of love in her life. She tries to get her words out but always keeps inside what she desperately wants to get out. James, Head Boy, just happens to be who she needs to talk to. She just doesn't know it yet
1. Inner Mind Workings

**Disclaimer: I own none of the original Harry Potter characters, or Hogwarts itself, and everything in it. I _do_ own, however, Jezebel Lait, Sera Weater, Marcia Sitark, Professor Marmite and the once mentioned Jeremy.**

Hello faithful readers.

This will only be three chapters in length, going through a year in the life of Lily and James. I am a huge procrastinator at time, hence the reason it's taking me over a year to get these out…

I've gone through and corrected many a thing. Again. I'm just hard to please. -innocent grin- 

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"We will be partnering today for this potion. I'll call out your name and your partner's, and one of you will grab your things and move to their station."

"Isn't that what we do _every_ time we go in partners?" Marcia muttered to me, covering it by examining her nails with her light blue eyes. I let a grin creep on my face, but kept my eyes on Professor Marmite as he began listing our names. "Lily, I'll die if I get a Slytherin." Marcia had the ability to make her normal everyday voice sarcastic in the most fun of ways. Very amusing, if I do say so myself. One found it hard to tell if she was being sincere half the time. She thought for a second. "Or Pettigrew."

"I still don't understand why you went out with him," I murmured with my head down, gathering my belongings for when my name was called – only if I had to move of course. No point in not being prepared.

"It was second year, Lily," she said dismissively. "I was allowed to be stupid. And everyone needs the 'I can't believe I went out with him' guy in the back of their memory." Marcia gave a sharp but barely noticeable nod in Peter's direction. To anyone else it would look like she was just simply shaking the blonde hair from her face. "He's mine."

"Sitark and Pettigrew," Marmite droned before calling the next names.

"I thought that spot would have been taken up by Jeremy." I smirked as she left with a scowl, now deepened by my comment, towards Pettigrew who looked no happier.

"You had to bring that up, didn't you?" Sera asked from my right, her large greenish brown eyes watching me turn to look at her. "She's going to be in a bad enough mood as it is after working with Peter."

"Yes, but you forget that she can never stay mad at me and vice versa," I told Sera as she was paired off. ("Weater and Fletcher.") "Have fun." Sera rolled her eyes and left with a fake but believable smile towards Mundungus, who… really was quite odd. There was no other way to say it: the black sheep of Gryffindor. "How can she be so chipper to everyone?" I asked Jezebel, my best friend since I was three-years-old, making us both Muggleborns.

"It's not chipperness," the brunette replied. "She hasn't the ability to be mad or crude to anyone in their face. Even if she hates them, she'll be nice." ("Snape and Lait.") Jezebel gathered her things and stood up.

"Like you?" I commented before she walked away with no revulsion on her face. No one liked Snape, that much was known. But Jezebel – the 'give everyone a chance' friend – would be making friendly conversation (one-sided, mind you) all class with the grease ball.

Those were my friends; the people I had spent just over six years of my life with. All different from each other with their own ideas of how to live in and deal with the world. What I simply couldn't place is how I fit in with them. What I contributed to the bunch and if we'd still talk after Hogwarts…

"And lastly, Potter and Evans," Marmite called out. "Everyone move to your partners now and begin the potion."

I held back a laugh and heard Marcia and Sirius Black making sarcastic jokes a couple of desks behind me. Knowing James would be where Sirius was, I turned around and saw him coming over.

James put his bag on Sera's seat and looked down at me. "I honestly think Marmite's gone blind," he stated and began taking out his parchment and quill. "Everyone moved as he called them." He then put on his best over exaggerated Marmite voice that always got a laugh, "_Everyone move to your partners and begin your potion on blindness cure. I have run out of my prescription_."

I chuckled and lit a fire beneath the cauldron, getting everything ready as James copied down the ingredients and instructions from the board. "I forgot to congratulate you on making Head Boy," I said casually, trying to ignore James' always-messy black hair flipping about as he glanced from the board to his parchment. "Sirius' shock and fake sobbing when Dumbledore called your name at the Welcome Feast last month was too distracting, and I hadn't thought of it since. Congratulations."

James finished writing with a flourished loop at the end of '…potion will be ready.' He had added as many curls and circles as he could to the 'y'. James put the parchment aside and began helping me cut up the ingredients. "Thank you. And I must congratulate you also, Lily, for becoming my prestigious partner."

"Thank you James," I said, meaning it for the congratulations and for him cutting the boar eyes instead of me. James smirked at me, understanding my thanks.

We worked in quiet solitude, our potion smelling more rancid by the minute. The clock ticked on and many people were beginning to realise that they had missed a step or did one wrong. Puffs of smoke belted out into the classroom for a cauldron a few feet away, a cauldron bubbled and boiled over the edges on the other side of the dungeon, and in front of mine and James' work station, one desk was gaining a very large hole beneath the overflowing cauldron. Marmite, in his slow-to-anger attitude, was lazily fixing the mistakes. I had always disagreed with him on that and had gotten into trouble many times because of it. The students should learn to fix their own mistakes and be shown how. Not have it done for them. This is a place of learning.

Nearly half an hour into our work, I asked, "How're the Quidditch tryouts coming along?"

James tossed in two shavings of cactus root before sitting down beside me to wait six minutes and thirty-four seconds before we were to add the eyes and finish the potion. "Pretty good," he said. "We can't find a decent Seeker, though. I'll have to address the whole Common Room for anyone who at least has the ability to fly a broom. But other than that small thing… they're going really well."

"Hm… don't expect me to try out," I told him with a smile when I saw the look he was giving me with his gorgeous hazel eyes. I could fly a broom easily, but that was just nonsense flitting about. I wasn't one for racing around and getting hit by Bludgers. No thank you. "Or the other girls. Marcia would never leave the ground – scared of heights. Jezebel never plays sports, not even Muggle ones. And Sera loves the game, but isn't competitive enough to care. Sorry."

James blew out a breath upwards. I smiled when his bangs fluttered for a moment. "Well, I was just wondering." James looked around the room and smiled. "Marmite's the only teacher who pairs them together." He nodded behind us.

I followed his gaze to Peter and Marcia.

"The potion isn't supposed to go blue!" Marcia yelled. "Did you copy the notes correctly?"

Peter began comparing his notes to the board. "I-"

"Give me those." Marcia snatched them from the small blond boy. James and I watched her eyes scan the parchment, verify with the board, then scan again. "You idiot!" she exclaimed. "It was supposed to be two _teaspoons_ of powdered bearded lizard scales – **not two tablespoons**!"

James and I looked away as Peter shielded himself from Marcia's beating: both verbal and physical.

"I'll put the eyes in," James said with a smile towards me. I pushed the thought of his simple yet adorable smile out of my head and thanked him.

When class was over I met up with Marcia at the door and began walking, knowing the other two would be late. Jezebel had slowed down the cleaning process so she could talk to Snape some more. Get him to trust her and 'open up'. Mundungus had left Sera to clean everything up. I'm nice, but I'm not about to miss any of Charms to pick up boar eyes and wipe up snake bile. It's better for two to be late than three or four. James and I had gotten perfect on our potion of course; kudos to us for that.

Marcia and I got to our seats in Flitwick's class and gave the small Professor the reasons as to why the other two girls would be late. He accepted them readily. Marcia, no matter how sarcastic or bitter to some people she could be, always had a way to make teachers and other such authority figures believe in her innocence. And me? Well, who's not going to believe the Head Girl?

"Sorry we're late Professor," Remus Lupin said hurriedly as he, James, Sirius and Peter walked briskly to their seats.

Jezebel and Sera had come in five minutes earlier and I was positive the boys rushed out of Potions before anyone else. I wonder what their excuse will be today.

"We saw a younger student being picked on and James, as Head Boy, thought it right for us to calmly put a stop to it," Sirius said smoothly, grey eyes believingly sincere to those who didn't know Sirius Black.

Sirius' rule eighty-seven of not getting caught: Help the needy/younger/weak with something in halls. And combine that with rule thirty-nine: Mention 'Head Boy', and there was no way a teacher could deny them.

Marcia and I smirked at each other then looked at the boys. "How admirable of you," I commented with a wink at James who gave a playful smile back.

"Tell me, did you punish the one picking on Pettigrew?" Marcia asked with a drawl. In all rights, anyone who just met her might think she was a Slytherin. She was bluntly honest, didn't care if you knew what she thought of you, found the Astronomy Tower a lovely place of "learning", and have I mentioned sarcastic? Being this way was simply her way of amusing herself and covering anything that might be bothering her. There was the occasional breakdown, however, but no one outside of me knew that.

"Leave him alone, Marci," Jezebel said calmly.

Marcia turned around and gave Jezebel her infamous 'not only were you not a part of that conversation, but I can do what ever I want' look. But with one look at me, Marcia sighed, leaned back in her seat and forgot about the quarrel that would have been.

I smiled to myself. No one could get to her or make her stop anything except for me. I knew it, our friends knew it, other students knew it – but best of all, Marcia knew it.

At the end of Charms came dinner and we all hastily left.

"I can't believe you conversed with Snape all Potions class," Sera commented with a sour look on her face. "He's just too gross for me. And evil," she added, putting her brown hair up, "he's also evil."

"But you'd never say that to his face, would you?" Marcia stated, not asked. We've all learned to ignore those comments - they were rhetorical after all.

"He's not that bad," Jezebel defended Snape as we sat at Gryffindor table, grabbing food greedily. None of us knew what it was with her, but the girl couldn't say a bad thing about anyone without getting to know him or her and learning the hard way. Of course there are the exceptions. With her father being murdered a year ago, she had plenty of things to say about Voldemort.

"Jez, he called you a Mudblood out of the few words he spoke to you all class. Everyone heard him," I said, still shocked that she had said nothing about it to him or anyone else. Rather, she acted like it didn't happen. "I was ready to hex him instead of taking points from Slytherin."

"Oh no Lily – you see, Snape just needed a few more hugs growing up," Marcia said matter-of-factly, picking out all the vegetables out of her stir-fry. "Therefore we should shower him with the caring he never had." She ended it with a fake wipe of a tear.

We all laughed. "Shut up," Jezebel said, smiling.

"I'm sure Snape's the reason James and the others were late to Charms," I said, getting an agreeing roll of the eyes from Marcia and a nod from Sera.

"They were helping a student," Jezebel told us as if we had forgotten.

"I'm sure they were," I said amusedly, patting Jezebels shoulder. "I'll ask." I leaned forward and called to James a few people down from us. "How's the student you helped earlier?"

James smirked as his friends laughed. He glanced towards the Great Hall doors then back at me. "I think he's ok."

I turned and so did my friends, to see Snape walking in, brooding and skipping every third step.

- - - - - - - - - -

"You lucky bastards have fun at home," I said at the Hogsmeade's Train Station. I was staying at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays. My family had all been murdered last spring (something I still hated to think about) and I didn't feel like spending Christmas time at my godparent's house in France. Before the funeral last year, I hadn't seen them since I was six-years-old.

"Don't get too smothered by your mothers," Remus added from my side. He wasn't going home either. He wouldn't be feeling well during the holidays.

"Oh we won't, Moony. I'll bring you two back some goodies." Sirius gave us thumbs up from the train window he was hanging out of. "Happy Christmas, Prongs!" The train started moving away and Sirius still didn't pull in. "Happy Howling, Moony!"

"Don't be crazy, Sirius!" I yelled, Head Boy coming out. "Get your overblown head back in the train!" His face was going to get bloody frostbite.

Sirius merely cheered as the train picked up speed and the wind and snow whipped him in the face. When we could barely see him, due to distance and snowfall, we caught his silhouette popping back into the train.

"Idiot's going to get himself killed," Remus commented with a shake of his head. "Let's go, the wind's picking up." He turned and threw the hood of his cloak up. I followed suit: both the turning and hood thing. "This may very well be the snowstorm Professor Ramla predicted that will kill hundreds."

I laughed and walked beside my friend, following others back to the horseless carriages. Professor Ramla, a younger witch from South Africa, had a tendency to warn us about death every couple days. Everyone agreed she was just paranoid. I kept my head bowed from the rising wind, not even noticing what I was doing before Remus commented ("You look like a fool, Prongs."). Apparently I had been following another's small and short footsteps through the shin-high snow. No wonder I was stumbling; I wasn't used to such short strides.

I looked up to see if I could recognize the person I may have been following. Had it not been for the red hair escaping her hood, I would have just passed her on for another student. You can't pass this Head Girl on for just anyone else. "Lily!" I called. Why I had just done that, I don't know. Probably because she was all alone. I ignored Remus' humoured glance my way.

The lone figure turned and I saw that it was indeed Lily. Could that hair have belonged to anyone else?

"Yes?" she called back, holding the sides of her hood to keep it from uncovering her head.

I unconsciously made the decision to catch up with her. I jogged to her, still following her footprints and looking stupid hopping around. I heard Remus' crunching footsteps as he caught up, still on his own path.

"Hi," I said to what oddly sounded like a child's voice. I stopped any perplexed look from appearing on my face and pretended that I purposely used that tone. I continued much the same way, "Can we walk with you?" I bit my lip to give off the 'cute' look. Oh sweet Merlin, I hope that never gets back to Sirius…

With a look to Remus who shrugged off my weird behaviour, Lily agreed, "As long as you don't talk like that."

We loaded ourselves into a carriage and shook the snow from our cloaks. The ride back to Hogwarts was relatively quiet, aside from comments on the weather, homework and classes. Apparently Lily didn't get along with her sister and she didn't have much to go home to. Her parents had too been killed, but by different ways than most Wizarding children's. Her mother had died of breast cancer when Lily was thirteen, and her father in a plane crash on a business trip two years ago when she was fifteen. Lily casually added that Petunia (her Muggle sister) believes that she cursed the family by going to Hogwarts. It appears to be something of routine for her to hear that. Needless to say I was shocked. Remus, on the other hand, had heard about it during their many Prefect meetings during fifth and sixth year. Well, I hadn't been given that pleasure… for some reason, Dumbledore and McGonagall didn't feel I was ready for responsibility back then.

- - - -

"I'll sneak you some chocolate frogs tomorrow, ok Moony?" I whispered to Remus as he lay in the Hospital Wing a couple days before his transformation. I was already warned twice by Madam Pomfrey to leave, and decided it best to agree before she funnelled some bad tasting and horrible affecting potion down my throat.

"You better not forget." Remus strained a smile, but I knew he was in pain, even two days before he was to transform.

With a squeeze of his shoulder I left, narrowly missing Pomfrey. I can be quite the Drama King, can't I? I blame it all on Sirius.

Whistling a low tune to myself, I wandered the halls. All there was to do without my friends, homework, class or Head Boy duties was to wander and think. Damn. That is, of course, before I spotted our Head Girl. I whistled louder and walked just a little bit faster, hands in my pockets so my elbows stuck out. I casually walked by her, letting my elbow push her arm forward slightly.

Ending my whistling on a quick high note, I turned around a few strides ahead of Lily. "Oh I'm sorry Lily dear, I hadn't seen you."

Lily stayed where she was, crossed her arms and surveyed me. I wondered what she was thinking until she stopped and glanced around us. She looked to her left, to her right; behind me (standing on her toes) and behind herself. When she was done, she smiled.

"Because there are _so_ many people in the halls, eh, James?" She smirked at me and continued walking, obviously expecting me to follow. Who am I to deny her the pleasure of my company?

"No, you just blended so well with the corridor," I told her as we walked. I used my arms to emphasize my dramatic points. "Your red hair: its grey stones. Your green wool sweater: its steel black knights. They're all every similar." I turned to her with a smile and was surprised to see a sad and vulnerable look on her face.

"So nothing about me stands out?" Lily asked quietly, not looking at me but something intangible only her eyes would focus on. I opened my mouth to take back what I had said, but Lily shook her head and lifted her hand. "No, it's alright. Just… I was thinking that, er… I was just thinking earlier. Don't mind me."

We continued our walk and I ran over our encounter; every touch, word and glance. It must have been me. She seemed happy when she saw me – then she became miserable.

"Was it something I said?" I asked, unable to come up with any reasons why she would be upset and getting angry at my inability to find out the problem.

I seemed to have startled her out of whatever reverie she was in. "You only said the truth, James," Lily said and smiled weakly.

"That I didn't see you?" I asked, trying to figure this girl out. Whoever said women were impossible to understand was right. Lily nodded, confirming my question. "I was only joking, Lily," I said. I was unsure how to tell her I was just having fun and pretending not to see her. How could you _not_ see someone like Lily wandering the halls, even amongst millions?

Lily gave a small laugh, devoid of humour. "Even so, you were right." I opened my mouth to respond, but Lily continued, "Let's get some dinner." End of discussion, I see.

Evidently dinner was awkward. I'm positive the teachers felt it also. Since only a handful of students were staying, we sat in one big happy circle for our meals. No one spoke too much except for the occasional "Pass the mashed potatoes, Headmaster" or "I'm just tired, but thank you for asking Professor." The last one belonged to Lily when Professor Sprout questioned Lily's melancholy that evening.

After dinner, in which Lily excused herself early, ergo causing me to miss dessert to go with her unasked, we walked silently up to the Tower. Our first words, each spoken at the same time, were "Words of good cheer", our password and quite ironic at that…

With a simply spoken, "Goodnight James," Lily left up the stairs to her dorm. I stood in the empty Common Room, wondering what the hell I did that day.

- - - -

It's Christmas Eve day and I promised Remus chocolate frogs. It's Christmas Eve day and the storm hadn't let up all night. It's Christmas Eve day and today I had to find out what happened yesterday with Lily and I.

I grabbed four or so boxes of chocolate frogs, stuffed them in my pockets and left my dormitory. I was still in my nightshirt, flannel pants (a wonderful Muggle achievement) with a robe lightly tossed on, and Quaffle slippers on my feet. No one was in the Common Room, and I assumed it to be quite late in the morning. Possibly near noon. Ah well, I was Head Boy and it was the Christmas holidays; I was fine.

I walked down the halls exchanging Christmas greetings with portraits, Sir Nicholas, a few students (who all looked at me oddly) and a couple of Professors. I jovially entered the Hospital Wing, not an easy task, and quietly padded my way over to Remus' bed. I was taken by surprise when I saw Lily Evans sitting by his bed.

"Good morning my fellow Gryffindors," I greeted them, waiting to be invited into their conversation and not just jump right in. Remus gestured to the end of his bed and I sat.

"Good morning James," Remus yawned. He mustn't have gotten a good sleep last night… if any at all. I emptied my oddly shaped pockets on Remus' legs. Ok… so I guess I grabbed more than four. Sirius won't even miss them. "Ah, thank you James."

Lily watched with a slightly open mouth and raised eyebrow. "Is that good for you at this time?" she asked. Hm… she might think he has a stomach bug.

"They do nothing to tamper with the transformation," Remus said, opening a box and tossing me the card without looking at it. So she knows already. I wonder when - oh!

"I don't have this one!" I said happily. "Hedwig, eh?" I went about reading the short description about this famous witch. With my attention on the card, I didn't see Pomfrey come over.

"Good day Mr. Potter." I jumped and looked up. "I suggest you two leave so Mr. Lupin can get some rest."

I stood up with Lily and glanced over Remus' bed. I couldn't see any of the chocolate frogs. When Pomfrey made Remus lay down, I heard the sound of boxes rubbing against one another and realized that they must be under his pillow. Pomfrey glanced at the ground, thinking she had kicked or stepped on something. Lily and I smiled at each other and left, promising to visit before dinner.

Lily seemed in higher spirits as we played a game of Exploding Snap in the Great Hall. I forgot about our conversation the day before and just enjoyed Lily's presence.

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Let me know what you think in a review, e-mail, snail mail or anything else you feel necessary to use. Morse code? I'll learn it just for you.


	2. Balls and Wands

**Disclaimer: I own none of the original Harry Potter characters, or Hogwarts itself, and everything in it. I _do_ own, however, Jezebel Lait, Sera Weater, Marcia Sitark, Professor Marmite, the once mentioned Jeremy and the twice-mentioned Joel.**

**Part two: can I make it any more obvious than that? -winks-**

**I hope you love it.**

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Feet are sore, feet are sore… Just sit down Lily… sit down. "Ah, that's better," I said, reclining onto one of the many chairs around one of the many tables.

"Hey Lily." I looked to my right and saw Sera taking a breather like me. "Lovely decorations this evening," she said, looking around the Great Hall. "I mean… we've never had a ball at Hogwarts – well, we've never been to one – but I'm sure they've never looked this gorgeous." I looked at her for a second and she smiled. "You know what I mean…"

I smiled at Sera and unceremoniously propped my feet up on the chair next to mine. "Thanks. If only there was a charm for worn out feet…" I reached over and gingerly took my shoes off with minimal wincing. Oh that feels great… free the feet…

I looked around the Great Hall. It did look gorgeous. James and I had decided to keep away from the cliché Valentines Day colours when deciding the decorations and design. Everything had a shimmering glow to it, even the candlelight. Tables were draped in frost pink, candles shone misty silver and the dance floor seemed of soft blue ice. The lightest amount of sparkles flitted from the high ceiling, disappearing upon contact.

"It is pretty nice, isn't it?" I asked, slipping my feet back into my shoes with a wince. I looked over to Sera and was surprised to see her gone. I rolled my eyes and went back to surveying the dance. Yes, people seemed to be enjoying it. Dates' stepping on toes, lovers holding each other, crushes getting to dance, guys admiring the girl's efforts to look beautiful, and a few kisses stolen on the dance floor. I'll let those slide… it must be nice to get kissed by someone who likes you… who may even love you –

I was jolted out of my thoughts by someone casually offering a Knut for my thoughts. I turned and saw Remus, Sera's date, sitting beside me with an amused look on his face. "It'll cost you more than a Knut," I respond with a smile. Remus chuckled. "How goes the date?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders and leaned an arm on the table. "You know I have no romantic interests in Sera, right?" I merely raised an eyebrow. "Anymore," he finished and got my nod of approval. "Is she still dating that Muggle?"

I nodded again and took a sip of my Butterbeer. "Joel. Yes, for two years now. Amazing they're still together; even with him knowing she's a witch and about Hogwarts. You sure you don't," I trailed off when I saw Remus tilt his head and give me a smile.

"I'm sure Lily. I'm just one of the many that fell for that naïve personality…" He shook his head. Yes, there were many… Nine, last time Marcia and I counted. Ten if you included Joel. And how many of them has she dated? One; and she is still dating him. How many has she known about? Maybe three… _maybe_. "But don't really fancy anyone and didn't want to bring someone I thought might expect more." I nodded in understanding and smiled at his sweet demeanour. "You didn't bring anyone?"

Hm… the question I was hoping to avoid. "Nope. I guess my reason may be similar to yours… or vice versa. No one wanted to ask me, thinking I'd probably want more." That's right… I'll just keep telling myself that. I sighed and Remus excused himself as a Ravenclaw timidly asked him to dance.

"Hey there Lily," I heard Marcia call as she sauntered over to my table. "Just soaking it all in that _you_ made this happen?" She sat down where Remus just was and grabbed my goblet of Butterbeer. "Look what the great Lily Evans did!" she said in mock astonishment, taking a swig of my drink. "Lily Evans? Oh yes – the one and only Head Girl – red hair, green eyes, luscious lips, and_ voluptuous_ breasts-"

"Ok! I get it – you like the layout," I intercepted quickly, certain my face was pink and everyone had heard her. "Keep your bloody voice down."

Marcia rolled her eyes. "When did I say I liked the layout?" But I could tell she loved it. "Too… innocent for me."

"Innocent?" I repeated with my lips staying parted.

Marcia nodded fervently, blue eyes twinkling with mischief. "Oh yes. You really should have gone hard-core Valentines Day. After all, what usually comes after the chocolates and flowers?" I just kept my blank stare ongoing. "Exactly. Imagine what Dumbledore would have said if you told him that as your idea…" she mused, leaving me just a couple gulps of Butterbeer left in my drink.

"What? _Hey Dumbledore, mind if we go Playboy style for the dance?_" I said, overly sarcastic but getting a laugh from my friend nonetheless. "Gee, I _wonder_ what he'd say."

"_Miss Evans, I wish for you to resign your badge_," said a deep voice from behind that made me jump and blush when I saw him smiling at me.

"Hullo James," Marcia smiled. "Care for a dance?"

James shook his head. "Not again. You're mental when you dance."

Marcia ignored his comment and nodded her head. "That's right; you've already had a turn…" While James and I shared a quick humorous glance, Marcia scanned the Hall.

I lightly nudged James with my elbow and signed him to watch. "Hey Marci, I think I know who you haven't danced with yet…"

Marcia turned. "Who?" she asked, awaiting my response.

I grinned cheekily. "Peter."

Marcia stood up instantly and pointed a finger at me, glare in place. "I hate you." She fixed her eyes on James as he laughed. "And you too." With that she left James and I. Not a horrible predicament at all.

"Feet sore from dancing?" James asked me.

"Sore from dancing and just the shoes themselves," I told him. "Whoever decided high heels were a must for formal occasions was seriously disturbed." I had been thinking of asking James to dance the whole night. I know I'm not the greatest of dancers, but I can move when the need calls for it. But what if he thinks I like him? Well, I've admitted to myself that I did… but what if he found out? I've gone through all the possibilities millions of times. Of course, as they say, the worst he could say is no. But no – the worst he could do is pity me, tell me that he likes me only as a friend and that no, we just aren't meant for each other. And in my imaginative times, I've pictured him running off with one of my friends, laughing the whole time.

My father was a psychologist and I used to read his books. Nothing can mess you up more than those: you soon believe that you have every ailment in them. For years I thought I was a pyrotechnic (I had set a few things aflame; first signs of magic), until my father sat me on his knee and told me never to take everything so literally.

I had also used what I learned from the books to pick apart people's personalities. Mine I had picked apart a few years ago and now I know more about myself than I ever thought I would. I know I'm insecure. I know I'm an overachiever. I know I crave compliments, but never believe them.

Therefore, when it comes to asking someone out on a date… well, I never have. When it comes to people asking me out on a date… well, for some reason, that's never happened either.

So my wild imagination of James running off with a friend or some floozy has never been proven wrong, hence my wary attitude towards dating.

Drama Queen, I know. I blame it all on Marcia; and the books… but more on Marcia.

Alright Lily, just ask him… you never know until you try, right? You're in Gryffindor for a reason.

"Well, I wouldn't really know," James joked, picking up my Butterbeer. I nodded and he took half the last gulp. "Good stuff."

A slow song started up and I steeled all my courage. I gulped the last of my Butterbeer and faced James. All you have to say is:

"Hey James, want to dance?"

My head snapped up to Jezebel, my left eye ready to twitch. Play it cool Lily… play it cool. Take breaths… breathe. She doesn't know you like him. No one does, you hide it so well… fear of rejections… just breath normally. Don't make it look like you're hyperventilating–

"Sure. I'll talk to you later, ok Lily?" James said. He was completely unaware of my mental breakdown.

"Sure," I replied not trusting myself to say anymore. And off he went with one of my friends. Apparently my façade stayed up. Good. Or was that bad? Would it have been better if I had told them I was going to ask James to dance? Jezebel would have been fine with it, I know she would. She doesn't like James. She's really obvious when she fancies someone. And James? Holding back a snort, I realise he would have loved to know that two girls wanted to dance with him. I'm sure he would have hoped for a catfight of sorts. I smoothed out my pearl dress robes and stood up. I grabbed my goblet and made my way over to the refreshments. I poured myself some Butterbeer and began chugging it back. A voice from behind me startled my drinking and caused me to sputter out the warm drink.

"Sorry Lily," Peter apologized, handing me a napkin. I wiped my chin, hands, and the side of the goblet. "Marcia's nowhere near here is she?"

"No," I replied, not wanting to talk to the boy, especially if he was just going to complain about my friend. "You can come out from behind the table, Peter."

He came out and brushed off his robes. How long was he back there? "She was on the war path earlier, and Sirius said he'd heard her grumbling my name… then he steered her away."

Oh my God… I nearly burst out laughing. She was only angry after the comment I made. I'll call that one; it was my fault. "Oh really?" He nodded. "I wonder why that is," I said calmly, forcing a slightly perplexed look to cross my face. How valiant for Sirius to save Peter and take Marcia away; to where, well, most likely behind a statue or something. Their on-again, off-again relationship had gotten to the point of uninteresting.

"I mean, I haven't done anything to her… she's the one who keeps this thing going," Peter rambled on and I blocked him off. This isn't what I cared to hear during a ball.

Back to my brooding… I could cut in. No, that wouldn't be nice. I sighed and nodded along with whatever Peter might be saying. I could always just hang around the outskirts of the dance floor and wait for the song to finish. I sighed and finished my drink. I'm an amateur when it comes to this sort of thing…

"So, I don't know what she has against me if it was her who terminated the relationship by going out with someone else," Peter finished. Hm, he didn't name the guy she dumped him for. He looked at me as if waiting for a response of sorts.

I held back a roll of my eyes. "Just be happy she didn't string you along. That was five years ago and you two only went out for a few weeks," I said it as softly as I could, and by Peter's expression, I sounded quite sincere. "I say ignore her." I excused myself and began walking to the doors. I let out an aggravated sigh of relief. That's it I'm leaving.

I pushed myself through a throng of students, muttering apologies and excusing myself. Honestly, who hangs out near the doors? I decided to head to the Common Room. The younger students should be in bed by now.

"Lily!"

I shut my eyes momentarily. All I wanted to do was leave! Instead of running full speed ahead, I decided to sweetly throw off the owner of the voice. "Yes Sirius?" I asked, turning around. He and Marcia were walking towards me, cheeks rosy; they must have been outside in the February cold.

"Are you leaving?" Sirius asked as they reached me.

I rolled my eyes. Speaking of the two Peter was complaining about… Symptoms: messed up hair, red lips, smeared lipstick, satisfied faces… Prognosis? Snogging outside. They caught my eye roll and their grins widened. "I'm tired, so I'm heading to bed." And want to be left alone.

They shared a quick look. "Alright, I'll see you lovely ladies tomorrow." What does he mean?

Marcia and I wished him a goodnight and he left back to the Great Hall. I turned and began walking up the stairs, holding my dress robes up. I've tripped on the steps before and didn't care to repeat the incident. Marcia followed my lead and stayed by my side.

"You don't have to come," I said quietly. Marcia stayed quiet and didn't look at me. I don't want you to come… "Marcia, just go back to the ball." Please. I could feel my eyes stinging in the back. I just want to be left alone until I fall asleep.

Marcia didn't leave.

Through my inner sniffles, I smirked inwardly. She knew me better than myself sometimes. I guess company wouldn't be such a bad idea.

In our dorm we changed silently, washed our faces and brushed our teeth in silence. Brushing our hair was a silent activity as well.

I crawled atop my bed and lay down, further to the right. Marcia crawled on top beside me and we both lay on our backs, staring at the dull canopy of my bed.

"So it's like this…"

And so began my mindless rant about my troubles. But did I ever mention my crush on James Potter? No. Oh I brought up my nearly asking him to dance, but I never elaborated on that in an 'I fancy him' sort of way. None of my friends have known about my little fancies. When I brought it up last year, they were surprised to hear that I liked Remus in third year. I thought I had been obvious… Interesting.

Marcia barely said a word the entire hour of my babbling. Now if only I could get the truth out.

I do fancy James Potter, more than I've ever fancied anyone else before. I like more than his eyes, hair and the little dimple on his chin. I don't see him as a Quidditch star or as the magnificent Head Boy. He's James. He's the boy who, in fourth year, helped me mend my scraped knee after a rough class of Care of Magical Creatures. He's the boy who loves chocolate but hates chocolate milk; who has a hated rival, but loves his friends to unspeakable limits. The boy captured my heart and makes me blush when he smiles my way, laugh when he winks and smile when he compliments me. And you know what? I believe his compliments.

So how, Marci, can I ask him out with the undeniable chance of him saying no? How can I save myself from so much pain and yet still find out if there's a chance for us? I've never done this before; I have no experience.

Our talk finished, my most desperate thoughts left as such and never spoken. Marcia kissed the top of my head and dishevelled my hair, saying that I was going to be all right. When she left to grab her favourite pillow from the Common Room (she had claimed it as hers a few years ago), I rolled over and cried.

I'll only be alright because I want you to think I will be. I needed to get this out of me and do it truthfully.

- - - - - - - - - -

What the bloody hell am I doing up at this hour? I thought, pulling on a shirt and my Quaffle slippers. "Sirius?" I mumbled sleepily. "Sirius… I think I'm going to fall asleep on the way dowwwwn," my sentence was cut off by a yawn, "there," I finished.

"You'll be fine, James," Sirius hushed me. Ugh, it's past two am. Sure there was a time when I could get up this early to prank someone… but being Head Boy _and_ having NEWTS to study for – that put a lot on my plate. "Where's Peter?"

"Bugger me if I know," I muttered, sitting on my bed and resting my head on one of the pillars.

Sirius gave me a sly grin. "You better hope you don't know then."

My eyes shot open. "Oh that's just wrong, Padfoot." Well, _that_ woke me up. I'll thank anyone up on high if they don't give me mental images this evening when I finally get back to sleep.

"I think Peter's in the Common Room waiting for us," Remus said, walking out of the bathroom where he was washing up. I don't really know what was with him, but he's a really clean guy. Easily an oxymoron, I know, but that was Remus. Maybe it's a werewolf thing. I decided to push it out of my head and think about it later.

With a frown, I wondered why I even cared to begin with. It was too damn early.

I heard Sirius snigger. "I don't think Prongs wanted to know where Peter was." Let them take my frown any way they wanted.

"No one would, with the proposition you gave him, Padfoot," Remus told him bluntly. Ah, good old Remus – I haven't said a word for a while and he got out what I thought in one.

"Is he even awake?"

"Yes I am, you dumbass," I said to Sirius, grudgingly getting up. "As much fun as this will undoubtedly be, I'm tired."

"Well, let's get moving then," Remus said. "We've spent too much time working on this to have it all go to waste."

"We could always do it another night," I opted hopefully, hitting the doorframe with my arm as we left our dormitory.

"It's the principle, James," Sirius said in an obvious voice. I held back a roll of my eyes, but they wouldn't have seen it in the dim lights. I decided to roll them anyways. "Nice delayed reaction there, Prongs." How in Hades did he see that?

We gathered Peter under the cloak, as a rat thankfully, and left the Gryffindor Tower en route to the Slytherin Dungeons. We stopped at the appropriate wall – Peter had lost the map (graciously cleared) to Filch a month before – and said the password Sirius spied a third year use the other day.

Oh so casually, we placed pamphlets on the Common Room centre table. We split up once we reached the boys dormitories and each took a different year. Stealthily, I placed a pamphlet sticking out from under a sixth year's bed, another in his dorm mate's drawer and one more on the bathroom sink. According to the plan, the other three were to do similar things.

I moved from that room and into the seventh year boy's. It was cleaner than I expected it to be. With a grin, I placed a pamphlet in Snape's bag, another sticking out from under Avery's pillow and one more in a drawer in their bathroom. I was quite surprised to see shampoo with Snape's name labelled on it. With a last second of genius, I preformed a quick spell on it and chuckled myself out of there.

I met up with the boys on the stairs and we smiled to each other. "Done," I whispered cockily. My, I don't seem to be so tired anymore.

"And Snape?" Sirius whispered back excitedly.

"In his bag and a spell on his shampoo," I whispered back with barely contained chuckling.

He proudly patted me on the back. "There's my boy."

We got back to our own dormitories and I happily went to bed, a smile still on my face. If Slytherins were as desperate as Sirius and I painted them to be while we all created the pamphlets, then tomorrow would be a _great_ day.

- - - -

"What's happened Professor McGonagall?" Lily asked our Head of House as she ushered us from Defence Against The Dark Arts. I was nearly skipping with excitement.

"You'll see Evans. Potter, why are you smiling so much? This is terribly important," McGonagall scolded me with a scrutinizing stare.

"Sorry Professor, just something Sirius said before I left," I lied, reminding myself to keep my head. We were on our way to the Hospital Wing. I wanted to clap for myself and the other three already. Another reason I was smiling: Snape's hair had a tad more volume to it this morning. I was very proud of myself today when all through breakfast it just kept rising and rising and rising…

McGonagall turned to us, one hand on the Infirmary's handle. "Now don't make fun of any of the casualties," she said sternly, looking at me and not even sparing a glance to Lily. Did she think Lily was some sort of angel? Actually…

"I'd never do such a thing," I told her with a good fake solemn face. Inside I was giddy with anticipation. Just open the doors already Minerva!

She did. There was nothing to see at first, except eleven beds with their curtains pulled. That sight alone got a short, low chuckle from me. I cleared my throat.

"There was something stuck in my throat," I told the two ladies who looked at me oddly. Lily looked as though she didn't believe me. I'm sure she didn't.

"Now, apparently these," McGonagall brandished a few pamphlets at us, "were found in the Slytherin Boy's dormitories this morning."

I could feel the need of my eyes to water. I desperately wanted to run back and tell the guys or lay on the floor and laugh myself stupid. "What are they?" I made myself ask, hoping my confused façade was good enough to fool the strict teacher.

With slightly flared nostrils, McGonagall spoke. "Apparently someone thought it a funny Aprils Fools joke to present the boys with leaflets on… enlargement."

I let a small snort escape me. The sheer idea of it was funny. I apologized quickly.

"Well, the contents are as shown," Lily opened it as McGonagall spoke, "and they were quite… blunt and were made to pick on any male's insecurities." Lily's face and neck was going red, I noticed. "The spell they have written on there is inaccurate, to say the least. Secretly, these boys tried it and one by one… made their way down here, each speaking about this pamphlet." I looked at it over Lily's shoulder, standing close to her, and kept a confused, yet slightly humoured face.

Lily lifted her red face, which seemed embarrassed to read such content. It wasn't graphic or anything, trust me. The back of her head brushed my shoulder, and it must have surprised her because she glanced back and jumped a bit when she saw how close I was to her. "And they readily told Pomfrey of these?" she asked, looking back to McGonagall, but not moving away from me. "I mean… something all the sudden _appears_ in your room on April Fools day," she continued slowly, shaking the leaflet.

"Oh no, of course not," McGonagall said with one of those looks that showed she thought Lily was crazy for suggesting such a thing. "But Madam Pomfrey threatened them that she wouldn't be able to help if she didn't know their source…"

My hands were shaking behind my back where they were clasped and my jaw quivered with the need to let out the humour at which I saw the whole situation. This was too good. Part of me highly hoped that Snape was behind a curtain… Ok, maybe most of me.

All of me.

"Potter, if you _must_ find this amusing, I'd rather you go out in the hall to get it out before you help us in here," McGonagall told me sternly.

With a nod and brief hand on Lily's shoulder, I left the Hospital Wing and continued to laugh uproariously, the door closed firmly. I slid down the wall and laughed into my arms. Not sure how long I had been out there (except when the Fat Friar floated by and chuckled with me, not knowing why I was laughing, and told me he had heard me laughing for about five minutes) and when I couldn't see properly, I took off my glasses to wipe my eyes on my robes. My breath was still short as I caught up with it. Lily walked out of the Hospital Wing and took one look at me before letting out a few chuckles herself.

"James, whoever did that," here she gave me a look, "has to be a genius. It really was quite funny."

Still getting over my laughter, my body weak, I managed to ask, "Did you see who was in there?" I put my glasses on.

"Mostly some fourth years with one or two from other years," she said evasively. With great respect, I knew she knew it was me and my friends, and was obviously not going to say anything to good old McGonagall.

"Such as," I prodded, drawing out my words. I used the wall to help me stand up.

"There was only one seventh year," she continued. My eyes lit up with the possibilities. "And it wasn't Snape."

I cursed loudly, and then apologized to Lily. She assured me it was all right. What a nice young girl. And a pretty one, I added thoughtfully. She must have seen me staring at her, for she looked away bashfully and down at her hands. I cleared my throat, and asked a bit more soberly. "So, are we needed for anything in there?"

Lily gave me another look. "After the length of time you spent out here laughing? Do you really think McGonagall will want you in there _helping_ the casualties?" Ah, God bless our Deputy Headmistress.

"No I suppose not." I took of my glasses. "Do we go back to class then?" I asked, wiping my eyes one last time and placing my glasses back on.

"Well, there's not even half an hour left," Lily said slowly as we set off from the Infirmary.

I grinned. "Play hooky?" I asked. "Well, I _must_ say I'm shocked that Lily Evans suggested such a thing…"

"Sorry James Potter, but Lily Evans suggested no such thing," she corrected me. Ah yes, she's right about that. "I was just merely saying how much time we had left of class." Yes… yes she got me there. "_You_ suggested that we play hooky."

"And then I believe Lily Evans took James Potter up on it, did she not?" I played along, non-stop grinning. I looked like a fool, I knew it, but that didn't stop me.

"Yes… yes I believe she did." Lily grinned at me, and couldn't help but let my own grow.

Well, we didn't want to miss dinner – apparently we were having roast beef tonight, and it's a sin to miss Hogwarts' roast beef – so we just chatted in the Common Room. This was the first time we'd ever really sat down and talked in a long while. We were sitting cross-legged on one of the couches, facing each other. I decided to bring something up I had thought about once or twice.

Or maybe three or four times.

… Alright, I confess, maybe six times or so.

"So Lily," I started, keeping my tone light, "you went to the ball stag." One of my favourite words, and for good reason.

Lily's face showed that she wasn't expecting such a change in conversation, especially with the topic I chose. "Er… yes I did."

"How many guys did you have to turn down?" I asked in a gossipy tone. I think I must still be high from the earlier excitement… Really, eleven boys. That's nearly two in every year!

"I really can't answer that James," she said, and with it a forced smile. I hope she didn't think that it fooled me. I could tell that she wasn't entirely comfortable with the conversation, but I really wanted to know.

"Why not? Just give me one name." I really was quite interested to know who had their eye on Lily. I had noticed a certain trend when I'd see Lily lately.

First, I'd smile. Then after having my friends roll their eyes, I'd talk to her if the opportunity would arise. After even the briefest of words exchanged, I'd leave again feeling quite elated. Later that night I'd go over our conversation(s) over and over until I fell asleep with that stupid smile on my face again.

Prognosis? I think I might have begun to fancy our dear Head Girl…

"I can't do that either," she answered me.

"Why can't you give me a name? Surely they won't be embarrassed…" I think I've mentioned that I really want to know who had their eye on Lily-

"Well, I can't tell you because there would be nothing to tell," she said with a small amount of hostility.

I took a minute to roll over her words in my head. There would be nothing to tell… so that means that there is no name to tell. Why wouldn't there be any name? Because no boy could go with no name… so that meant-

"No one asked you?" I asked quite bluntly.

"No," she said in a small, sad voice.

Well, that certainly didn't sound like the strong Lily I knew. I couldn't bring myself to repeat what she said. No one asked Lily to the ball? Why the bloody hell not? There's nothing wrong with her – in fact, there's a lot that's right with her! As my mind worked double time over the knowledge I just acquired, I noticed she was waiting for me to say something. Pass some sort of judgement. I had nothing to say; nothing at all. The words 'that's horrible' came to mind, but I didn't think she needed me shooting her down further than she already appeared to be with the situation.

"Why?" I asked dumbly. I am mentally hexing myself right now.

Lily let out a shaky laugh that was completely absent of humour. "You tell me James," she said a bit louder than she had been since we started on this topic. "What's wrong with me, eh? Am I boring? Do I smell? Do I lack personality? Do I frighten guys away? Am I ugly?" Leaning back stiffly, she added, "Am I too much of a Mudblood?"

Oh, Merlin what do I do? She had begun to lightly cry and I honestly have no idea what to do in a situation like this! "No…" I said, my own voice cracking. "No Lily, you're none of those things. You're not boring in the least, you smell great, your personality tops others, you're not frightening to me, you're beautiful and no Lily, you never were and never will be a Mudblood," I said, my voice strong by the end.

She lifted her face up and wiped her eyes. "Then what, James? Because whatever I have isn't enough for anyone."

"That's not true," I said to her. She has to be one of Hogwarts' most beautiful students, how could she think no one would want her?

"Well, if I had a boyfriend in the past to back you up, maybe I'd listen," she said with a throw of her hands.

My eyes widened. "What do you mean _if _you've had a boyfriend? You've had a boyfriend!" I said, not believing her at all. Ok, ok – we'll list the past guys I've seen Lily with…

"Really? Who?"

I'm listing, hold on… I thought for maybe ten seconds before Lily let out another humourless laugh.

"See? No one has even _fancied_ me, James." She wasn't crying anymore, but seemed determined to find out what was wrong with her. Which, I told myself, was nothing. "And if anyone has, they haven't said a word. Why wouldn't anyone ask me out if they fancied me? There's got to be something wrong with me. They're embarrassed or ashamed or… or just something."

My mind was still spinning over the fact that Lily's never had a guy on her arm. It took a second before her latest outburst of insanity reached my ears and processed in my head. "They're not ashamed, Lily." Although I couldn't think of any reason to why no one ever had a crush on Lily… Well, I had figured my crush on her only a couple weeks ago… why hadn't I said anything?

"Then what are they?" She kept asking me for answers I didn't have.

"I don't know," I told her truthfully. We lapsed into minutes of silence, punctuated by the odd sniffle now and then. My mind certainly couldn't grasp onto the idea that Lily was never someone's girl. Who wouldn't be proud to say that they've held hands with Lily Evans on more than a platonic level? That they were her first kiss?

As if reading my mind, she said quietly in shame, "No one has even been that close to me. I've never cuddled with anyone, held hands, gone on a date… or…" she paused and leaned her head on the back of the couch. She whispered the next words, but I didn't hear her.

"Pardon?" I asked softly.

She turned her head to look at me. "I've never been kissed."

Now _that_ was a shocker. I knew my mouth hung open quite unattractively, but I couldn't help it. My eyes drifted to her lips before making their way back into her green eyes. They were barely red-rimmed and showed few signs that she had shed any tears.

"I mean… I look at my friends," she continued while I was at a loss for words. "Jezebel: even if every relationship has ended up bad in the end – it was fun while she was in it. Like with Dung, she tried to help him out, get him off drugs and such, and in the end she only hurt herself. But people still gravitate to her and many guys still liked her. Marcia: she's had a lot of guys since she was twelve-years-old. First with Peter, and then she left him for Sirius… and since then, it's been many guys of many personalities. I don't really know how she does it – but she does and they all go to her willingly." She paused for a breath and I knew I should have interrupted her before she started on her other friend, but seeing this side of Lily was very rare. She was horribly vulnerable right now. "Sera: She's been dating Joel for two years and she barely sees him! They write back and forth constantly, and are even talking about moving out together," she paused again and I could tell that these thoughts had been on her mind for quite some time. With a small bout of optimism, I noticed she seemed to relax a little. How long had she wanted to get all this out?

"First of all," I said slowly, "never compare yourself to your friends. You are your own person and nothing they do can tamper with who you are if you don't let them," I stopped to let my words sink in. Since when was I deep? This is new to me. "And secondly: don't compare yourself to Marcia. She's been on and off with Sirius about five times now and dated nearly every other guy in our school that's a year older or younger." Lily let out a small laugh. Well, it's not like I'm lying. "And anyone would have to be crazy to not want to kiss you, Lily." Yes, I realise what I just said aloud. And it's damn true. Right now would be a good time to prove my sanity… but wouldn't that just top all the clichés in the world? I'd like to think of myself as a romantic, when the need calls for it, and I think Lily needs a little bit of romance in her life.

"Then all the men I've met are crazy," she said in finality, resting her elbow on the couch and placing her head on it.

Like many good moments in someone's life, our time together was interrupted. Classes seemed to be over, and the students came flooding into the Common Room.

I wanted to add in one last word. With a sly grin, I said, "Well then, I guess you haven't met many men in your life."

* * *

Alright, I've changed a lot of this one, and now it's better than before. -let's out a breath- Thanks for reading!


	3. Finally Out and In the Open

**Disclaimer: I own none of the original Harry Potter characters, or Hogwarts itself, and everything in it. I _do_ own, however, Jezebel Lait, Sera Weater, Marcia Sitark, Professor Marmite and the once mentioned Jeremy.**

This is the final chapter guys! Sure it took a good year to finish the damn story, in which I thought would only take a weekend, but it's done and I'm happy. Hey, if you care for these things, I apparently am up for some awards… the website is in my bio, if you want to check it out. I was surprised and think I may have been blushing the rest of the day… It made my day, to say the least. I've never been up for one before, so this is cool.

Anyways, on with the finale!

* * *

That was by far one of the most nerve-wracking things I've ever done.

Graduation on its own was stressful, but as Head Girl, I definitely had lost my marbles. My speech, oh I'm cringing now. I couldn't even remember what I said on the stage… hopefully I didn't slur. Slurring is not a Head Girl sort-of-thing to do.

"Lily that was beautiful!" Sera called to me, crashing through the throng of students celebrating. Her robes are twisted from trying to reach me through the crowd and I could only smile at her efforts. Being short was never a favourite of hers.

"I tried my best," I yelled back, trying to meet her halfway. "Excuse me, gentlemen," I said, passing James and his crew, all laughing and looking relieved. I reached Sera and gave her a hug.

"You actually had me crying," Sera said, like it was the hardest feat to accomplish.

"Sera," I said, keeping one arm around her shoulders, "you were crying while we got out Graduation robes on."

"Yes, but-"

"_And_ you cried during James' speech… I could see you from the stage." I looked at her with some pity, but couldn't help laughing along.

"Where's the girl of my hour?" I heard Marcia say from behind me. I turned around and was immediately trapped in one of her death hugs. Now, they're not really a tight hug, but her shoulder always somehow gets lodged in my throat… we've never been able to find out why.

I choked out her name and she let go. Putting a hand to my neck, I thanked her. "As always, it's your job to try and kill me," I joked. "Is Jezebel in the Hall anywhere?" I asked, looking around the sea of students in their robes. Each house had their Graduating students wear special robes of their House colours. Across the colourful sea I could see Jezebel talking to Professor Marmite, most likely trying to get a good recommendation for a career. Shaking my head, I looked back to my friends. "Are you two ready for the partying tonight at the Three Broomsticks?"

"Definitely," Marcia answered immediately, blue eyes sparkling in anticipation.

Sera gave some sort of uneasy answer about not wanting to get pissed off her bottom, but I wasn't paying attention. Over her head I could see James still joking and laughing with his friends, congratulating people as they passed.

It had been a couple months since our conversation in the Gryffindor Common Room (or The Day I Completely Went Barmy), and he never really passed any judgement on me. Not to say I wanted judgement… well, that was a lie. I did. I almost desperately wanted to know what he thought of everything. I had actually thought he was going to kiss me that afternoon, and truthfully, I was sort of expecting him to pop out one day and just do it… Not that I thought he liked me, but I had almost offered myself to him at that time, and he had just smiled and commented that I "haven't met many men in my life."

Yes, I memorized that conversation and have repeatedly replayed it in my head nearly every night since that day. It was a huge step for me to completely come out to someone, and especially not one of my best friends. There had been a few awkward moments between us since then, but it always seemed that he could shrug them off more easily than I.

James glanced around the Hall and it only registered the second before he looked my way that I should stop staring. His eyes stared into mine. I panicked and looked down immediately… and into two amused looks of my friends.

"What?" I asked, already in the defensive position.

"Were you looking at Remus?" Marcia asked, looking like the devil's playmate.

"No, I wasn't looking at Remus-"

Marcia gasped, cutting me off. "You still _fancy_ him, don't you?" she said quickly.

Sera laughed. "Well you better go talk to him now, then! I don't think we'll see too much of them after Hogwarts."

"No, I don't fancy Remus – and haven't since third year – and I wasn't looking at him anyways," I said. Trying my best to be casual, I added, "I wasn't really looking at anyone in particular." Betraying my last sentence, my eyes glanced back James' way. Marcia and Sera laughed, but I couldn't hear their comments… James was headed this way.

He stopped just behind Sera and smiled at me; that beautiful smile that could melt my knees. "Congratulations on making it through the school years with all your remaining limbs, ladies," he said to us.

Sera looked behind her and thanked him. Marcia, on the other hand, had seemed to piece things together and her eyes widened. She gave me a significant look and spun around to smile at James.

"That was a lovely speech James," she said dryly, eyebrows raised. "A lot less prejudice toward the Slytherins than I expected it would be."

"Well, our speeches had to be run through McGonagall before we spoke before the school," James replied with a laugh and rubbing the back of his neck.

I raised my eyebrows, along with Marcia, and said, "My speech didn't have to be handed to McGonagall, James." I bit my lip to keep from laughing. James' mouth opened wordlessly, than closed. I laughed and shook my head. "So I wouldn't have the foggiest as to why she asked to read yours," I concluded.

Marcia hooked her arm through Sera's and nodded my way. "We're off to drag Jezebel away from brownnosing," she said, tugging confused Sera away. "You kiddies behave yourselves."

Oh, Merlin bless Marcia for giving James and me some time together… and curse her at the same time! I wasn't expecting to talk to him so soon about anything…

"Can we, er, take a walk, perhaps?" James asked, glancing towards the Hall doors.

Silently, I nodded. Did I trust myself to talk? Hell no.

He took me by the elbow (just breathe, Lily) and led us through the crowd, nodding to teachers and students who called our names or tried to stop us for a chat. We exited the Hall, but were stopped by Sir Nicholas (I never enjoyed calling him "Nearly-Headless"). "Those were lovely speeches," he said, bowing to us, his head lolling off and hanging by a hinge. I cringed. He righted himself and his head. He patted my and James' backs. I cringed again from the cold that went through my lungs. When he floated off, I allowed myself to gasp in a deep breath and saw James shiver beside me.

He looked to me with an amused smile and I had to hold back a laugh. "Your hair's a bit on end," I said, reaching up and patting it down. My heart was racing… What was I thinking? I mustn't be; that's what.

With a quick smile, James led me through the corridors and out into a small courtyard. There were no students near, which made me very thankful. Whatever transpired here, I'd rather not have an audience. We walked to the stone ledge and James leaned on it casually. I couldn't look at him, so I rather looked over the edge and onto the grounds below. My eyes squinted from the sun reflecting off the lake; the millions of sparkles dancing across the ripples caused by the Giant Squid and students playing near the shore. I looked back to the courtyard: its trees flowered a faded pink, the pedals flitted in the air; its backdrop of the grey stone castle added a distinct fairytale feeling to the setting. The green grass was dotted with petals and I simply wouldn't be able to describe the beauty of the place… I felt like I was looking into a snow globe. It was serenity in a glance.

I looked back to James and saw him watching me.

Or maybe it was romance.

"Lily," James said slowly, "I've been thinking about you and… and hold on, I didn't start that right."

I nearly started laughing out of sheer nervousness. I could feel my skin getting warmer. Oh yes, perfect: let's blush. Lovely idea, Lily.

He stopped leaning on the stone wall and stood straight. Taking a breath he continued, "Back in the Common Room those few months ago… what you were saying sort of mixed with what I was feeling…"

I couldn't help to narrow my eyes at him. He was feeling _what_ now? Lonely? Did he feel what I felt – shameful, inexperienced and insecure? He couldn't feel those… he was loved by nearly everyone and I knew he had had girlfriends. That small fact bothered me more than it should have.

"It's harder to say than I thought it would be," he said with a small laugh. James rubbed the back of his neck in an almost bashful gesture. He couldn't be nervous, could he?

I felt like I had to say something while he regrouped… again. "What are you talking about James?" I asked, unable to keep the large amount of confusion from my voice. I glanced at the flower blooming trees and wondered if there was a reason he took me here to begin with.

"I really should have said something when I first figured it all out," he said finally. "I don't know why I didn't… maybe I was just having fun with the new knowledge or maybe I was still too thick to do anything about it." What the bloody hell was he on about? James took a step forward and I very nearly took one back, not used to being so close to him or any other guy. "I've fancied you for a good many months, Lily, but never really found the courage to say anything, I think." My vision swam in front of me momentarily. Did he just say that? I tried to focus on James' face again when he kept speaking. "And back in the Common Room I really wanted to kiss you, but it just seemed so clichéd that I decided to wait for a perfect opportunity…"

He had stopped talking. Did he want me to speak? So he _had_ wanted to kiss me back then… why the bleeding hell didn't he?

I looked up into his eyes and asked, "You didn't kiss me because it would have been the obvious thing to do?" Oh yes: the man just professed his liking of me and what do I do? Mock him. You're really racking up the points, Lily. I smile played on his lips. "I had thought that maybe you would, and then you didn't and then I spent three months wondering what in Hades you thought of me and even losing sleep over it some nights!" Am I getting hysterical now?

James seemed to be humoured by my response so far.

"I mean, I've fancied you for a couple years now, James, but I've never been able to come out and say anything because I didn't want you to gently let me down or anything and say that we can be friends or anything else stupid and…" I stared hard at him, trying to decide whether to be comforted by his humoured look or slap him for it. I couldn't do either right now. I could only continue to blab on, admitting things I hadn't ever thought I would to him. "And let's not forget that I wanted to dance with you at the Ball and the second I was about to, someone else came and took you away, just like I'd always imagined, and I couldn't do anything but run off and cry in my bed!" I couldn't believe I was saying this. I was one step away from tugging at my hair and proclaiming that I probably loved the idiot!

James ran a hand over his mouth and then down to rest his throat to rest on his collarbone. "This isn't turning out how I expected it to."

I took a deep breath and placed my hand on my forehead. With my eyes closed I asked, "How did you expect it to turn out?" I opened, then shielded, my eyes from the sun that poked out from behind some overly-fluffy clouds. "Did you expect me to jump into your arms and melt when you kissed me?"

James still seemed amused and surprised by my complete lack of sanity for the whole conversation. "Something like that, I guess."

I was quiet, trying to actually think of a good response instead of blurting out everything that was on my mind. Playing with my tongue inside my mouth as I thought, I finally said quietly, and with a bit of defeat, "I could do that."

James laughed. I mean, really laughed. His head was thrown back and he seemed to be relieved, though I figured he had taken everything relatively easily… maybe he was more nervous than he seemed most of the time. "As long as I have your permission," he said, finally calmed down, even if the evidence of laughter was still in his eyes.

My hands were shaking as they twisted with each other. Should I take his hand to calm them down? My breathing seemed to have stopped for a brief moment and I couldn't seem to see anything but his sparkling eyes. "You do," I said. Moment of truth; something I'd been waiting for, for a long time.

James leaned forward, took my hands in his, effectively stilling them, and tilted his head to the side with a small quirky smile on his face. He kept his eyes open until his mouth touched mine. I closed mine then, too. I inhaled sharply, my lips not moving at first, but my hands gripping his.

Quickly, thousands of thoughts rushed through my mind, many of them insecurities. What if I'm no good at this? He had so much more experience than I did… what if I'm not up to par? Am I doing it right? Should I initiate things further? And finally one last thought squashed them all: James kissed me because he fancies me.

And, as he let go of my hands so they could wrap around his neck, I realised that that was the best thought I've had in a long time.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lily… Lily Evans.

Someday Lily Potter?

I smiled and continued scrubbing my hair full of shampoo. Today was a long day of training and I couldn't help but try to scrub off all the remnants of the spells I'd been hit with. I rinsed it out under the hot water and stood for a moment, thinking of my girlfriend. I liked calling her that, you know.

I love her; I'm sure of that. It took me until a few days prior to realise it, and the knowledge of my love still made my chest inflate with pride and hope. I did have a small dilemma, though. I turned off the shower and shook my head. A small dilemma, sure, but I still couldn't help to smile.

I grabbed a towel from the rack just outside the stall and wrapped it around my waist. I always hated trying to get out of the small shower. Maybe it had to do with what happened on my first day here; something about slipping on my ass. I made my way into a locker room scattered with a few other Auror trainees. I walked over the tiled floor in the bright lights to the small locker that was my own. Next to my locker was the idiot owner of the neighbouring locker.

Sirius stood, already dressed in regular robes, his hair still drying. I nodded to him and he nodded back. "What were you doing in there that had you come out smiling so much, Prongs?" he asked with a quirk of his lip. Bastard.

I placed my hand over the cool metal door and waited for it to register my finger prints. All these safety things seemed crazy and a little paranoid at times, but hey, as long as no one's stealing my things, I'm ok with it. It glowed white for a moment and then opened. "I was thinking of Lily, for your information," I said. I think I may have sounded a little snooty. "Was that snooty?" I asked.

"A little, yeah," Sirius told me honestly. I nodded. I thought so. "Some of the guys and I are thinking of going out for a drink," he said. "You up for coming?"

Didn't I have some type of plans for the night? Oh right. "No, I'm spending the evening with Lily," I said. For some reason I couldn't figure out which end of my robes is which… Is that a sleeve or neck hole?

Sirius grabbed the robes from me and shook them out. He handed them back to me sorted out. "The ol'ball and chain, eh?" he joked.

"That would be her." I threw my robes on and didn't even bother with the comb in my locker. Honestly, what's the point? I slammed the locker shut after grabbing a few extra things and left the change room with Sirius. "I've been thinking about some things, Sirius," I said. We walked down a series of hallways, every door along the way leading to different office cubicles. I nodded to some of the nicer Aurors that didn't hold themselves higher than us Aurors-in-training.

"You're always thinking about something, James. I'd be rather frightened if you weren't," Sirius said, tipping his head to one of the younger witches who walked past us. She winked back at him. I rolled my eyes. "What were you thinking about?" he asked as we joined a few other people waiting for the lift.

"Well, I was sort of thinking about, well, er, Lily…" I'm stumbling over my words! That's just disgraceful, isn't it?

"We've been over that part already, Prongs," Sirius said, looking at me like I should see a nurse. I'm feeling fine. In fact, I feel absolutely great.

"Shut up," I said. The lift doors opened and we crammed inside with a handful of other witches and wizards, most of who looked relieved to have the work day be over. "Anyways," I continued, "I was thinking about our relationship and continuing it further…" It was only then that I noticed many of the other people aboard were listening to our conversation. I glanced around and they went back to just eavesdropping, looking away. "And I wanted your opinion."

Sirius looked back at me from the buttons on the side of the lift where he had punched the number eight. "You want my opinion on where you should sleep with Lily?" he asked stupidly and, frankly, a lot louder than I hoped he would respond.

"Level Three, Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, including the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad…"

I did _not_ expect him to say that. "_What_?" I exclaimed. "_No_! No, not that!"

Sirius was jostled out of my view when a couple wizards left the lift and a few memos flew in and circled the lamp above. I heard his voice from the other side as he fought his way back to me. "Well you said 'continuing it further'-"

"I meant marriage!" I said over the witches between us, disgusted that my own voice seemed to have gone a pitch higher. He now stood in front of me.

His face seemed to catch on to what I was saying and his mouth formed an o shape. As quickly as that face came, it went and was replaced by an incredulous look. "Have you gone completely barking mad?" he asked.

"Level Four, Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures…"

"I don't think so, no," I said testily. Didn't he know how much I loved her?

"You're eighteen, James," he said seriously, like he was trying to remind me as if I'd forgotten.

"That's a little young, sonny," said an elderly wizard who had been on the lift before us.

"Thank you," I snapped at the moustached man. I turned my attention back to Sirius who still didn't seem swayed. "I love her, Sirius," I said quietly.

"Level Five, Department of International Magical Co-operation, incorporating the International Magical Trading Standards Body…"

The moustached man left along with a flutter of a few memos. A middle aged witch entered. She was an Auror as well and, although strict, was generally nice to the trainees.

"Black, Potter," she said, nodding to both of us in turn.

"McKinnon," Sirius said, nodding to her briefly. "I don't care if you are _in love_ with her, Prongs; eighteen is way too young to be thinking about marriage."

"I got married at twenty," McKinnon said, not looking at either of us.

"That hardly helps us at all, actually-"

"Thank you," I said happily, cutting Sirius off effectively. "And I _am_ in love with her, Padfoot." I was going to be nineteen in just a few months, anyways.

"Level Six, Department of Magical Transportation, incorporating the Floo Network Authority, Broom Regulatory Control…"

"I still say you're barmy," Sirius concluded.

A great number of Ministry workers entered the lift. Around seven or so… and with a lift as cramped as ours is, seven is a lot.

I narrowed my eyes at Sirius. "I really should have spoken to Remus first, then," I said. Sadly, I think that might have been a bit snooty as well, but that may be because I was now squashed against the back wall.

"Yea, well you didn't," Sirius' muffled voice said. Once again I couldn't see him. "So you're stuck with my opinion until you talk to Remus."

"Level Seven, Department of Magical Games and Sports…"

I'd always liked this floor the most. Once on my break I had even ventured down it to take a look at all the old Quidditch posters tacked up on the walls. I still stick to the story that I didn't get lost down the halls; I just merely took my time finding the lift.

I didn't feel like continuing my conversation with Sirius just then. For one, I didn't like talking to someone when I couldn't see them. For another point, I didn't like discussing my love life with half the witches and wizards on their way home. They definitely had no input. Except McKinnon, if only because she seemed to be supporting me.

"The Atrium."

I knew everyone would be hurrying off the lift, unless they were heading to the Department of Mysteries, so I was ready to be jostled around like usual. When I finally exited the small box of terror (we've already been over the fact that I can be dramatic) I had to wait for a few more people to exit before Sirius stepped out looking a bit ruffled.

"I think I may have been frisked in there," he said, looking a bit unsure of where he was.

I held in my laughter, any anger towards his unsupportive talk gone. "Better than the last time it happened?" I decided to ask.

He shook his head. "No, last time I knew I was being frisked and who was doing the frisking…"

I shook my head and laughed. "You're a legend in your own mind, Padfoot." I clapped him on the back as we walked and said, "I told Lily I'd wait for her by the fountain."

"It's your last chance to come out for a drink, mate," Sirius said. Was he trying to warn me of something? He sure sounded like it.

"It's not like I'll never see you again, Padfoot," I said, seating myself on the edge of the golden fountain. I didn't like looking at it too long. The longer you stared at it, the more ludicrous it became.

"If you tell Lily you're in love with her, I don't think you'll ever leave her side." I'm sure in his own mind (to which he was a legend) it made perfect sense. But to me, it sounded a little mental.

"I'll take some caution then, thank you." I shook my head. Lily was taking her final Apparation test on Level Six, but she had told me to meet her in the Atrium for some reason. I had gotten my license within the week school was over, but she needed to work and save some money before she could pay for it. She wouldn't accept any help from me in that aspect.

The look Sirius was giving me nearly made me roll my eyes. "I'll hopefully see you 'round, Prongs," he said.

"See you around, Padfoot," I agreed in my you're-losing-it-but-I-accept-it voice. "Don't drink too much."

He winked and Disapparated with a loud crack.

I licked my lips and watched some wizards discuss Gobstones beside one of the large marble columns. I still didn't understand how they had their own club in the _Ministry_ of all places. It was like having an Exploding Snap club! Loony, I tell you. I yawned and turned sideways on the fountain ledge. Maybe I could play around with the water for a bit… Where did I put my wand again? Ah yes, back pocket. Putting its tip to the surface of the water, I swirled it in a circle, counter clockwise, three times. A small ball of water rose up and I looked at it proudly. I made that ball of water. It continued swirling and swishing in itself, the small air bubbles trapped inside spun quickly in the middle. Maybe I could make this more interesting. What was I thinking? Of course I could.

The tricky part is not to disturb the spinning water. I Summoned a Knut from the fountain and made it spin at just the same speed… Hovering it just below the water ball, I sent it spinning upwards and into the circling liquid. The water inside jostled for a moment but soon accepted its new element.

Yes! I laughed and tried to mask my surprise that it actually worked. Last time I had done this was at the Lake at Hogwarts and I ended up soaking wet.

_Crack!_

I jumped and lost concentration on my circling orb of water and Knut thing. "Hey!" I exclaimed, my lap now nicely covered in water. My water orb-circling-Knut-thing was ruined! I'm sure Lily would love to have seen it. I looked away from my wet robes and to the idiot who Apparated behind me… and into the lovely face of my girlfriend.

"I got my license!" Lily cheered, her face bright and extremely relieved.

I stood and kissed her cheek. "Good job," I said. It was very hard to ignore the fact that a part of my robes was sticking to my thigh. "Now you can Apparate to _my _house in the morning." Lily had this thing ever since we finished Hogwarts: She had to kiss me every morning. It could be a simple kiss on the cheek or lips or it could be passionate and absolutely hot. The catch twenty-two was that only I could Apparate, so I had to venture there every day, no matter what Auror-training I had that day and where I might have to be shipped to.

Lily snaked her arms around my neck and kissed me on the cheek. "I look forward to it," she said. Ooh, there's a glint in her eyes. I loved that glint, and hey, I loved this woman.

Oh yes… I had gotten some "advice" from Sirius earlier, hadn't I?

Throwing caution to the wind, I realised that it really was my opinion that mattered and no one else's. Who cares if Sirius didn't think it was a good time to profess my love to Lily? I love her, and even though I wouldn't propose to her until further in the future, I think she has a right to know. I waited long enough to tell her that I fancied her (and to think how many times we missed out snogging after meetings?), so maybe I could rectify myself now.

I leaned back away from her for a moment and studied her face. There was a stray strand of red hair covering one of her gorgeous eyes, so I took the opportunity to tuck it behind her ear. Should I keep my hand on her face or hold her hand with it? On a last second decision, I kept it where it was.

"I love you."

My eyes widened and all my actions froze. What did – I – that wasn't…Wait.

"Pardon?" I asked like every other male idiot on this planet.

"I love you," she repeated bashfully. I could feel her fingers twisting in my hair.

I couldn't help to smile then. She had said it first. For a girl who could be a little insecure and unsure of how to approach certain aspects of our relationship, she was more forward than I.

"And you don't have to say it back, I just thought I should get it out and open so there wouldn't be any confusion again-" Ah, there's the Lily I'm used to "- so don't feel obliged to tell me you love me or anything-"

"Lily," I said as lightly as I could. She took a deep breath and seemed to brace herself for whatever I was about to say. "You beat me to it this time." She looked adorably confused. I buried my face into her hair, something I couldn't get enough of doing some days, and said, "I was just about to say it." I could feel her smiling against my cheek.

"What's stopping you?" she asked, her fingers still twirling, twirling, twirling in my hair.

"Absolutely nothing," I said, deciding to look her in the face when I said it. "I love you." We were grinning like fools and I didn't care who saw it. We were fools in love. "I love you, I love you, I love you," I repeated, gushingly loving how it sounded when I said it to her. I honestly never would have thought that I'd be like this.

Her face looked like it was about to break with the size of smile she had on it. Lily looked like she was about to burst. Then she did. She let out a shriek-squeal-thing of happiness and jumped further into my arms and began kissing me all over my face.

I completely forgot that we were in the middle of the Atrium at the Ministry, standing in front of the eye catching, giant gold fountain.

But apparently, the Security Wizards hadn't forgotten this small fact.

A tap on my shoulder alerted me to their presence. "Excuse me, Ma'am, Sir," said a deep voiced man.

Lily jumped back, blushing like mad and was back to smiling bashfully. Merlin, I loved this woman.

"Try to keep your conduct fitting for a Ministry building," he said simply, though it was obvious that the ordeal humoured him and his partner.

"Sorry," I said with a great ease and grabbed Lily's hand. They nodded and walked back to their posts, shaking their heads. "Dinner?" I asked Lily and she nodded. Her cheeks were still pink. I kept hold of her hand as we Apparated to the restaurant where we had reservations.

We know we love each other. I don't care how old or young we are. I don't care that we've just finished school a few months prior. I don't care what people think of our relationship and whether or not we should kiss in the Ministry Atrium.

I care about Lily, our relationship and carrying it on until death do us part. We can have all of eternity together if we want, and I can only hope that she feels the same way.

Maybe our love is meant for something much bigger than the both of us could ever understand and maybe we're just a couple of love-struck kids, but hey, I wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

I'm done it! Oh thank God; it took me way too long to get this out and finished. What – over a year or something absurd like that? I hope you enjoyed the short story and review and let me know if there's anything horribly wrong with it or anything else.

Have a great day, week, month, year, decade and always, always keep looking for the best love you can get. Always remember that you deserve it.


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